I've been bothered by attitudes and responses to cliques of a few moms recently. (Sorry for being so cryptic, and fyi this does not have to do with India and her friends..................yet). How can one not even notice the existence of a clique? Why would you blame the person being left out? Why do cliques even exist? Why do people, especially adults, get so defensive about the existence (or non-existence) of cliques?
As I've studied, I haven't gotten any answers. The answers I wanted aren't important. While judging the people who make me crazy and trying to figure out a way to be more charitable myself, I was reminded of my own experience of excluding someone. Here's the scripture story that revived this memory from Luke 10:25-29.
Lawyer: Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?
Jesus: What is written in the law? How readest thou?
Lawyer: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.
Christ: Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live.
Layer (But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus): And who is my neighbour?
Next follows the story of the Good Samaritan. In summary, a Jewish traveler is attacked, stripped, wounded, and left for dead by thieves. Two men, a priest and a Levite, pass the man on the other side of the road. However, the third man, a Samaritan and political enemy of the Jews, finally offers help and compassion. He helps clean the wounds, puts the man on his beast, takes him to an inn and continues to take care of him. When he leaves the next day, he pays the innkeeper to continue to care for the man for as long as needed.
Sad story. When I was in high school, a family moved in to the Statue of Liberty house probably two or three years after I moved to Centerville. They had two daughters, one my age and another one a year younger.
I think I had them over to hang out one or two times. We didn't run in the same social circles. I was absorbed in my busy schedule and extracurricular activities. Maybe we had small talk during church or Young Women activities, but I don't remember even having a single meaningful conversation with them. Not on the bus, not at any sporting events or dances, not at school. We didn't have classes together, but I didn't hang out with them at lunch. Maybe we didn't even have the same lunch, but that's not the point. I unintentionally left them on the "other side of the road."
I heard their lives didn't turn out so well. Did you know the priest and the Levite also had an excuse? But like all of my previous excuses, it was lame. I hold myself accountable for not being a friend or true neighbor when they needed one. Ammon pointed out though the priest and Levite did not make the right choice, they still did a lot of good things. They were on their way from Jerusalem to Jericho, which suggests they were returning from performing their duties at the temple. I always thought of myself as a good person, especially when it came to being inclusive. But this time I wasn't when it really mattered. It makes me sad.
I remember being the new girl and being lonely. (I remember not being the new girl and still being lonely at times - haven't we all?) I never want anyone to experience that if I can help it. I had three especially supportive friends during junior high and high school: Kimberly, Marylee, and Nikki. They were there during the happy and crappy, and I'm so grateful they reached out to me.
Who knows what injuries - physical, emotional, or just human weakness - another person has. We don't need to know per say, but we do need to notice, and then do something about it.
7 comments:
Wow. Those are some thoughts alright. I'm actually surprised that you are noticing this stuff. I've always been the one left out of the clique. Now I honestly don't even notice cliques because I'm so used to being left out that I don't even realize people are getting together without me. 5th and 6th grades were the worst and after that, I learned that it was okay to be alone. I'm glad you had some wonderful friends in Junior High. I'm glad you see that you left someone out when you were younger but it's okay. You can do something about it now by being the loving and inclusive person you are now. I love the story of the Good Samaritan and I think we need to remember what you said about the two who walked on and how we are like them at times so that we can improve. Great insights.
this is a great post, lady.
if i wasn't so medicated i'd give you a better comment...but this is all i got right now.
Well said. I do have to admit though that I'm not one to notice cliques, and that may be partly because I jump around to all sorts of social circles, I don't always hang out with the same people all the time, nor am I offended if I get left out of a group activity. I really try to be a friend to everyone. It's funny how even after jr high and high school there are still issues with cliques (and even with the older ladies of my ward). Sometimes I think people do it without even thinking about it. They just find a group of friends, usually who are in a similar place in life, and without even thinking are always hanging around with each other and unintentionally not inviting others to join them.
Erin, I love you. I think you and I got each other through jr. high and high school because we were both the new girls in Centerville. And beyond high school, you are one of the few I still consider a dear friend. So, thank YOU, for being there for me during those rough, teenage years. You will always have a special place in my heart for your love and friendship. And how can we forget your lovely nickname of "Bulldozer" during gym class...or our cow milking adventure. {hilarious!} Love you forever, Nikki
I was a "popular girl" during most of my junior/high school years. I was from a small town, I was always on student council and my girlfriends were cheerleaders. We were "mean girls." My sophomore year my family moved and I went to a much bigger school where nobody knew me. It was brutal, but I'm so grateful for that experience because I learned how to get along with people from all different groups without belonging to any of them. I think that's served me well through the rest of my life. I think the best way to break down a clique is to just pretend like you don't notice it exists and invite people from different groups to come together. Sometimes it works better than other times, but overall I think it's a good thing and helps people get out of their comfort zone. Sometimes cliques are unintentional and are just the result of where we feel comfortable. I hope no one would be intentionally exclusive, but I guess that probably happens too. I'm with you that as adults there's really no excuse for trying to defend being exclusive.
Erin-you are amazing, as usual. The Mom cliques is something I don't understand, you don't have the sporty kids, don't make enough money, not a new, nice enough house, or you don't drive the right car, or you would rather be spending quality time with your family then out making yourself look better to those who don't matter as much. It's sad, sad for them really. I get down sometimes because I don't have time to socialize with other Mom's like I would like to, and get left out of things too. I have learned that what I am doing in my home and family is so much more important than anything else I can do. You are a wonderful inclusive woman! Don't let those who aren't as awesome as you get you down!
I love introspection and retrospection. It is a way to "self-correct". I don't advocate navigating life by looking in the rear-view mirror, however. Your story indicates you have been touched by the spirit who prompts us to become better people. It also reminds me that we all need the magic ingredients for a happy, healthy life: a friend, something useful to do, and nuturing with the good word of God. Thank you for your message and for being who you are.
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