More Sass

India gave four-week-old Wesley a check up. She pronounced Wesley to be eight months tall and weigh one hour since he sleeps so much.

India: "Mom, you're embarrassing me." (In response to my singing "Imabe." Seems like I've been hearing that response from India waaaaaay too much.)

India: "I look like a chicken." Daily battle of the socks and tights.

India, Maya, and friend Ellie were flipping through a puppy coloring book pointing out which puppies they were going to be. Ellie turned to a page and said, "Hey, that looks like your dog!" India replied, "My dog would never be that ugly. That one can be Maya." (Can I smack her?)

India to Maya before bathtime: "My boobs are bigger than your boobs." (Can I smack her now?)

Ammon asked India to help him cook dinner.
India: "I don't have to cook because I'm going to be a mom when I grow up." (I hang my head in shame). So now when nobody wants to do anything we say, "I don't have to do ____________ because I'm going to be a mom when I grow up."

Seriously?

 The following happened the same day.

Me (watching Maya play with board games on the floor of the hallway):  Maya, I'm so happy to see you having fun by yourself!
Maya:  Leave me alone, Mom.

and

Me: Enter room dancing to "Move It, Move It" on Madagascar II while India and Maya are lounging.
India:  Mom can you please stop?  You're kind of embarrassing me.
Me (offended): I am going to do the crazy dance EVERY time your friends come over now.  I am going to do the crazy dance for  your kindergarten class and teacher next year too.

And then some past funnies:

Setting: Indoor rec center pool. We basically have the facilities to ourselves.  After the one-hundredth time Maya has gone down the slide, she notices the cute, tan, shirtless lifeguard that replaced the female lifeguard.
Maya (pointing):  That a boy.  Prince for me.
Me:  Flabbergasted that a two-year-old could be so boy crazy.  Desperately hoping cute boy lifeguard cannot understand her.


Setting:  Our neighbors have a flat stone at the top of their garden that reads, "He who plants here plants happiness."  
India:  Is somebody buried here?

Setting:  Church.  
Ammon whispering to Maya:  How many grandpas are there?
Maya: Two, three, six, seven, eight, nine, sixteen.
Ammon:  How many grandmas are there?
Maya: Two, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
Maya (pointing to older ladies in the choir): One, two witches.
Ammon and Erin: Wickedly laughing and taking mental note not to dye hair too dark in the future.


Ammon to me:  Thanks a lot for your help last night.
Me: Huh?  What was going on?
Ammon:  These girls are pissing me off.  They were up all night.  Maya was sleep walking and crying because she was confused, and India kept waking me up by coming in to see if she could sleep with us.
Girls - you may NOT sleep in Daddy's bed.
India:  But I love Mommy.  And I love you.
Ammon: I love you too, but not in my bed. If you come in my bed again, I'm going to put your beds in the dumpster.
India and Maya:  wailing.
Erin: laughing hysterically because I have regained the ability to sleep through everything.

Motley Thoughts

My blogging mojo comes and goes.  Mostly goes.  So I compiled drafts from over the last few months I never finished into one big, happy, post.

• Last night India was hit by a car.  Good thing it was parked.  Those darn side mirrors will always jump out at you.
• The girls were shot by the nurse yesterday.  India survived.  But Maya's feelings were critically wounded for the rest of the day.
• I forgot to send Valentine's Day cards with India to preschool.  Man I felt like a really big loser.
• When I got out of the shower, Maya was dancing with to the radio with her stuffed Tinkerbell.  It was so sweet.  She could dance for hours with anyone and anything.

And some more cute expressions from the girlies:

"My brain is telling me I don't like raisins." ~India

India: "I'm going live in a castle and be Rapunzel  and save all the people!"

Katie Bangeter: "Rapunzel doesn't kill bad guys though."

India: "Well, THIS Rapunzel does!"

Me: "No. Please don't kill people even for pretend."

India: "What can we do then?"

Me:  "Put them in jail or be tricky and teach them a lesson!"

Katie Bangeter: "And we can use our princess swords and then put the bad guys in a secret princess garbage can."

India:  As I'm turning lights out for bed:  "Where's my freaking cup?"

Erin:  Deck the halls with balls of holly . . .
Ammon:  Really?  Holly balls?
Erin: Ummm, yeah.  Those little red things are balls.
Ammon:  No.  It's bows of holly.

Maya:  "Hold you?"

India:  "Stop freaking out Mom."

Maya: Pointing at the stamps on our hands when we went iceskating - "Hand beautiful."

India:  "I can't go to sleep.  There's something going on with my body, and I just don't know what it is."

India:  Before entering the ice rink, she gave herself a pep talk, "Don't give up! Don't give up! Don't give up!"

India:  First time around the ice rink:  "I am NEVER going to do that again."

I don't want India to become human someday

India to me as we are sitting down to snuggle and watch a TV show for our girls' night:  Can we watch something appropriate for kids and humans?

Bryce: Where are you going?
Me: Sariah's house.
Bryce: Who's Sariah?
India: Dada's sister, my aunt, and mommy's friend.

India:  I think we both have the same hair.

Me: Oh yeah?  Is that cause we both have dark brown hair?

India (as she's combing her hair with water): Yeah.  And we both have sticking up hair.  

Sorry for the frizzy hair gene babe.

"Dammit!"  India's frustration when she couldn't get a puzzle piece to fit.

I'm mortified that she learned that awful word from me.

Ammon: Go brush you teeth India.

India: Not till you say you're sorry first.

Every night: "Mommy, I will come snuggle you in the morning, so you will have no bad dreams."

"I am going to marry my best friend.  I think I will have a contest."

India: I want makeup for Christmas.

Ammon: No.

India: Then I will not invite you to my wedding.

Ammon:  I wish you would spend as much time thinking about where you want to go to college as you do about getting married.

India: I'm not going to college.

Ammon: You go sit in time out right now.

Time Out

Ammon:  Why did you have to sit in time out?

India: Because I said I'm not going to college.  But princesses don't go to college!

Ammon:  Well, you're not allowed to be a princess then.

Tears

Me:  Princesses go to college.  I'm a princess and I went to college.  (Then I list all of the princesses that have gone to college in our family. Come on Disney!)

Ammon: And you can go to college in a castle.  

Ammon and India go look online at uber expensive universities that have gorgeous campuses.   

"When I grow up to be a human, I will go to college and work at the dog groom."