The Label Doesn't Fit The Reality

I am expriencing a strange change today. I didn't have soccer practice this afternoon for the first time since the beginning of August and am accordingly left with a little extra time. So here I sit with no excuses remaining. Actually, I've wanted to write for a little while, but have been too busy or tired when not busy. Now that I'm neither of those, I have something on my mind that I'd like to air. I'm uneasy with the knowledge that this post may raise some pertinent questions without answering any. On the other hand, I don't think that is necessarily bad. I think that too often we are afraid of questions. We shouldn't be. That's what I try to teach my students, yet too often I miss that lesson in my own life. I too often have an answer and seek to make my life conform to that answer. That is backwards.

So what am I talking about? I know that often I'm too obtuse, but I think that this time it's appropriate to be so. I don't feel like sermonizing in this post, and I'm afraid that this topic lends itself to that. I've had a few people in mind lately, and don't want to offend by discussing the topic directly. I hope the point isn't lost in the abstract.

This week I've had a couple experiences I'd like to share in benefit of specific friends in precarious situations. I want to share two experiences. It's funny how when I have a problem life teaches me the answer -- if I listen carefully. Too often though I'm so attached to the now that I am not paying attention to the lessons around me.

First Lesson.

Obfuscation:

I have a student who struggles with everything -- literally. She is a very bright, capable, and driven student who had this week somewhat of an identity crisis. She found out that the political party she grew up thinking that she believed in isn't what she thought it was. She took an objective political test and in her mind completely failed. I tried to explain that it isn't possible to fail that type of test. That it just asks what you believe. That there are no wrong answers. That both ends of the political spectrum contribute to society. She was devastated to learn that the label she hoped for wasn't the label she got when she put in her beliefs on topics. That's right, she sided with the "wrong" political party. I thought I was about to witness a true existential meltdown. Two good things came from that. First, she had to break down the two seemingly opposite labels and find out what each label actually means. I don't think she's completely finished. This type of thing takes a while. Second, she had lengthy discussions with her parents about topics they have never discussed before.

Elucidation:

Breaking down labels is positive. We too often define ourselves by these essentially meaningless labels. We also tend to define and assign value to these labels in binary. Think of a term like mother -- a label that we are familiar with. It's a good example to illustrate a point. There are so many ways to define that word. So many different mothers. We could say that it is feminine of father, but that too is abstract and only muddies the water. An honest person would say that there isn't only one way to define that word. Isn't that exactly what we do though? In a self defeating way. We set up an ideal around that word. Hold it up on a pedestal and worship it with holidays and songs. We say that if you are a woman, the ultimate good is to be a mother. We then further define that label by saying that a mother has to become so naturally and in her youth.

Setting up this type of label and letting our mind continue to assign value by binary is potentially destructive in its consequences. If for a woman "Mother" is the ultimate good, being woman and not mother is the ultimate bad. Instead, why can't there be many good ways to become mother in all its many conceptions? And woman for that matter? That way, when life and nature get in the way, as they do, a woman who for no choice of her own or by her own choice doesn't make herself evil for not having a particular label.

When the situation in our life doesn't have the label we want, is our life less meaningful? Perhaps only by our own definition -- because in the end we created what that label means.

Second Lesson -- One From the Little Ones

Obfuscation:

India came to me today with a sincere request. There was nothing wrong with her request. She wasn't asking for anything that would hurt anyone else. It just happened that I couldn't do what she wanted me to do. She came to me and said that her doll's dress had broken and asked me to fix it. I actually felt a little bad. I tried to figure out a way that I could make her request work, but it just wasn't possible. It's not that I wanted her to suffer. I just could not do it. She cried because I, in her understanding, just wasn't helping her. She told me that I could fix it and said please in the most sincere way. She had complete faith that I could fix it if I wanted to. I had to let her know in final terms that it wasn't possible. After a couple of minutes, she came back with another dress for her doll that suited her needs just fine and she wasn't sad about the first dress anymore.

Elucidation:

Sometimes things don't go my way. Once again, the label for my life that I chose doesn't work. I try to figure out a way to make it happen. I just can't understand why such a worthy goal and desire is left unrewarded. I've thought of everything. Letting me have this wouldn't hurt anyone. Everyone else I know has the thing that I want. Why can't I have it too? In the end after all of the bargaining, and deal making, and praying, and swearing, and deciding there isn't a God who listens, I come to find that I just might not get what I really want. There may be a reason that I just am not aware of yet. I struggle to understand that there are limitations to what even God can do. I don't know all of the reasons. I don't understand the laws. I have to make another plan and continue to make plans until I get the right one for me. Perhaps that God who is limited also has anxiety for me. ( I really did want to fix that dress) I guess the wrong question to ask would be "how can I continue to have faith and hope?" Isn't that exactly what faith and hope require -- not getting what we want and trusting that we'll get what is right instead?

Erin often teaches me that I don't have to know the words to any song in order to sing all of them. If I don't know the words, I think it is wrong to let that lack of knowledge keep me from singing.

I hope that all makes some kind of sense.